2: Impromptu Christmas Pud guide, local transport, colonial retreats

Kia ora, all!

SO! After I had written my blog last night, I had a very quick cold shower (amazingly refreshing) and headed over to the Ibis to meet up with the other ACICIS students. It was all very Western so we decided to join some others at Melly's, a local eatery and bar across the road- I suspect it's still not VERY authentic but ah well. Melly's was awesome - little Japanese-style sit-on-the-floor tables and also big wicker chairs and tables. I ordered Nasi Ika Akin (I think) which is salted fish, and was basically little goldfish-sized deep fried, dried fish (there ARE a lot of goldfish in tanks around Jakarta...) with chilli rice and a fried egg on top - I'm not sure if this is an Indonesian thing, or just Melly's, but everything there seems to come with a fried egg on top, and the breakfast bar at the hotel I'm staying at has an 'egg bar', where you go and order your morning eggs (very sick of the word egg now, except in its proper context of 'Ow, whatta egg', of course) and how you want them done - poached costs about 15,000 rupiah or about $2.10. Everything also tends to be fried or deep fried, with few veges, so we keep getting told to ensure we eat veges and fruit. I, of course, am a strictly healthy person and have yet to eat a vegetable in Indonesia. On the other hand, I haven't eaten a vegetarian either.

I also ordered a bottle of Anker beer, at quite an expensive price (for Indonesia), since most Indonesians don't drink (due to 90% of the population being Muslim, I'm thinking). I was extra gutted when I saw the local Bintang beer being served to others in big 1L bottles, for the same price. CURSE YOU, ANKER BEER! The rest of the night was spent speaking to one of the other NZ girls, who is having culture shock and has decided to go home, which is really sad. I also chatted to the other ACICIS kids, many of whom are Australian, and smokers. They are pretty stoked smoking is allowed indoors in Indonesia, or in fact, ANYWHERE - cigarettes are a good way to say thank you to an Indonesian, and everyone here smokes. Smokalicious!

I headed back to the hotel about 9pm, being the nanna that I am, and also it being about 3am in NZ and fell asleep at 11pm, just in time to miss the crazy fireworks and masses of horns blowing into the night. Awwwww. The others tell me Jakarta went OFF, with people handing out fireworks to small children and swarming to the big hotels and roundabouts, where bands were playing. Next year.

Woke up at 7:30 despite being allowed a sleep-in (dang NZ time!) and then spent ages trying to sort out odds and ends. We decided to go for an explore and try and purchase the following items:

1) Cotton shirts

2) Sandals with a back strap

3) Power plug converter

We ended up purchasing a grand total of NONE of those items, but we had the best day in Jakarta so far (out of two...) We looked at our printed-off maps and headed out into the bustle and heat of the street. We got lost about two minutes later, having decided to flag the map and have an adventure. Our best decision yet! We wandered down a random street lined with lopsided signs advertising PlayStations, Kodak, photocopying, and the ever-present little kaki lima, or 'five legs', little vendor trolleys that sell food and drink and are a sure fire way to get food poisoning. About thirty seconds later, a small (actually about average, but up to my shoulder) Indonesian man with a backpack, jandals, grey hair and two front teeth missing, said 'Happy New Year!' Next thing we knew, we were on a guided tour of some city hot spots, including the National Monument to celebrate Indonesia's declaration of independence from colonial powers in 1945, a HUGE 45 m (in memorial of the year) spire with a golden flame on top, representing Indonesia's spirit. It was located in a big national park, where everyone was flocking to, it being New Year's Day. There were also, among the trees and the ubiquitous rubbish, deer! I don't quite understand what that was about, but there you go.

We then headed to the world's third largest mosque, which at its peak houses 200,000 pilgrims (this is all according to our guide, called Pud, which I remembered. The heat seems to be affecting my all ready limited brain power, as I can't remember anyone's name, but I remember Pud's, mainly because it sounds like Christmas Pud). I've got photos on Facebook of all of this, but it is MASSIVE, a huge white building with a large white dome, booming out prayers through a loud speaker (newbies like me: most mosques here and, I'm assuming, overseas have loud speakers. Speaking of which, on Fridays, there are five prayers at various parts of the day, with the first at 5:45 am (I think) = NO SLEEP. Sigh.) The mosque was almost on an island, since one of (?) the big rivers (or THE river) flowing through Jakarta semi-circled it, like the Avon. This river is DISGUSTING - rubbish covers the banks, and there are little banks of rubbish in the river itself. The smell is worse - it's like a mix of diarrhoea and putrid rubbish. Yummy. There are parts of the city where you have to just not breathe for a while, because the smell is that overwhelming.

At the mosque, I was feeling distinctly hot, drenched in sweat, and a wee bit tired, but our guide was pretty awesome, giving us helpful local advice ("Don't take pictures of soldiers. Be careful of the bus-way - you'll get squashed.") and random, possibly true facts. He loved the fact that Helena was Dutch, since most Indonesians I've met seem to really like their country's Dutch heritage. It's kinda strange compared with many New Zealander's antipathy for the British, but then, Indonesia had until recently a pretty heavy propaganda campaign for a good 50 years - maybe this campaign favoured the Dutch? Anyways, Pud was pretty cool, and offered to show us to a big, cheap shopping centre. Around about this time, we figured out that he was going to expect money, but we weren't too bothered - we were having a whale of a time, and also felt pretty intrepid for venturing out at midday in the heat. (Also, first sunburn of the year on my nose AGAIN. Le sigh). We probably would've been burnt much worse if it weren't for the haze of pollution that covers Jakarta permanently - I don't know how people live here! My throat and head hurt at the end of each day, and breathing is a mission in the streets.

Anyways, we continued on to a Catholic church right behind the mosque, which was enormous, with two big spires to rival the national monument. Pud pointed out the proximity of the church and the mosque as an example of religious tolerance, which was pretty funny, but I thought privately it might be an example of the cock trying to out step the robin (I don't know if that metaphor made sense - I meant both are striving to appear more important and tricked out than the other). The church was free, so we went inside, to find a little grotto to Mary, with a statuette sitting high in the wall, and lit prayer candles all around her. Very pretty.

After that we headed to the shopping centre, whose name escapes me but ends in Basu (Bertie Wooster eat your heart out). It was FULL of little shops, clothes and sandals and here we left our guide Pud, Helena discreetly slipping him some money and he just as discreetly pocketing it. We took one last photo of him grinning with his gapped smile ("I'm 54, and I have no teeth!" "Well...you can't have everything?") and explored the shops. Unfortunately, large numbers still scare me, so I passed on all the shoes, only to realise they were all about $14 when I got back to my currency converter. DANG. Double unfortunately, all the clothes are about two sizes too small, since I'm the tall descendant of women used to carrying a sack of potatoes under their arms and five children on their hips, and the clothes were made for petite Indonesian women. Ah well! I will continue the search another day.

At 12:30 we took Pud's advice and hopped in a little blue car, which serves as a sort of mini-bus service in Jakarta. Most people haven't braved these yet, as there are certain routes which are impossible to work out if you don't speak the language, but we were in adventure mode, and Pud gave us very simple instructions: "Take number 12, blue car. Number TWELVE!" We asked a passenger to tell us our stop, he asked the driver, the driver (after a short trip), told another driver, who told us to get in HIS car, and he took us to our destination, where he told us to get out, right in front of our (may I say) admiring ACICIS friends. That. Simple. We were stoked, since, even though we paid our drivers double by accident (pineapple moments), it was still much cheaper than a taxi, or even the bus, and much more enjoyable. The cars are about three quarters the size of station wagons, with long padded seats behind the driver and across the back, and open windows, so you can see the city whizzing by, and you get to meet the inhabitants of the city, who YET AGAIN proved to be friendly as friendly can be.

We then went on a tour of the port, where they have these really pretty small, sloop-like wooden sailing ships to shift industrial ingredients like fertiliser, cement, plastics and timber, to other islands in Indonesia that have too small a population and land area to produce their own. We were allowed on board, walking precariously over a wooden plank (YES! I FINALLY DID IT! My piratical nature is shining through) and over the scummy, disease-ridden river (please don't fall in, please don't fall in). The ship was pretty awesome - very Chinese junket I thought - with the big sailing ship square thing in the deck to load cargo into (Yarrr). The sailors were very helpful, friendly and danced for our cameras (people in Jakarta LOVE pictures, and the young boys like getting pictures with female tourists - someone said this was to show off to friends. I was pretty flattered - I've never had males clamouring for my photo before!)

We then headed to the Maritime Museum which was frankly pretty boring, because we were all too tired to read the information boards. However it WAS in this enormous, concrete white walled building, which was several warehouses-worth large. Coincidental? I think not - turns out this three storied building (with ENORMOUS wooden beams, like, as thick as old masts) was used to store spices during Suharto's regime, which made him very very rich, according to one of the student helpers, who still spoke very quietly about Suharto's corruption (don't mention korupsi here - government officials don't like it much, apparently).

THEN it was a tour of the river, where the poorer people live and the shanty towns exist. Apparently this used to be called Dutchman's graveyard and three out of every four visitors would die there, from exposure to diseases they'd never come across before - dengue and other mosquito-and-water-borne fare. The rubbish was the WORST here, and there were stray cats, with strange, stiff half-tails that ended in a knob. The people were still lovely - one of the men waved when I took a photo of his house, a tiny leaning, wooden hut with shirts hanging from the second floor, overhanging the polluted, horrifically smelly river. I felt pretty sad, but he looked happy and relaxed - maybe his life wasn't so bad? We were talking about how the wealth gap in Indonesia, while created by the previous governments' corruption, was still an effect of the West, and of colonialism, and of the lifestyle Western people create and encourage - buy, waste, exploit, use. Not nice, and pretty guilt-making, really. Having said that, you'll be pleased to hear I haven't been moved to give to beggars yet - I guess I'm a hypocrite, since I certainly don't need the money (as much). Another good thing to see at the river was the impromptu pool house - about four pool tables were set up in the shadow of one of the bridge's massive support columns, and men were playing away, beside the river, the stench and the rubbish, and sinking some pretty mean shots. That's dedication.

After this, the tour ended at the Cafe Batavia, one of those old-school, colonial retreats. It has a doorman, wicker recliners, slow moving fans, dark lighting inside, big leather armchairs, expensive drinks and upstairs, little Victorian tea-set chairs. Brilliant. I ordered a beer (a SMALL Bintang, I have NO luck), sculled a coke, and then headed home to the hotel, where we had a meal at Milly's (I got Nasi Ar Cami something something, which turned out to be shady-smelling calamari and rice, which sucked, but Helena got Nasi Millys, which was that awesome chilli rice I love, and sliced chicken, and seafoody-type chips, with the obligatory fried egg on top. I think Nasi must mean 'chilli rice with fried egg') and I got my FIRST and SECOND mozzy bites, uwaaah! So if I get dengue tomorrow, you know who to blame. Then it was home to try our 711 (they have them here) purchases (Blueberry Fanta - bizarre but delicious, and Nutri-Jus Lime and Cucumber juice - nice, but just tasted like juice and Tango tiramisu wafers (NOT AT ALL LIKE TIRAMISU), blog and then bed.

Another monster of a post, but I'll try get some photos up at some point (if I can find a cable...) and I'm sure when I start school Monday, with 4 hours language class and 3 hours cultural/social/political lectures, the blogs will get MUCH shorter. I may also try and edit this, to add things I've forgotten - so much happened today but it was one of my top ten days, saw some truly AMAZING sites and it was good for me to see just what awful conditions people in the world live, and survive, in. No more complaining for Alex! (Famous last words).

LESSONS LEARNT 2:

- Adventures are awesome, and definitely worth a try!

- Money comes and goes - it's best not to get too attached, especially if you have parents willing to see you make it home again...

- Being frugal, especially at the start of a trip, is not a bad thing, to encourage parents to bring you home again

- Everyone needs to see just how poor people can get

- Everyone needs to see just how rich people can get

- Talking to people is a GREAT idea

- Challenges are necessary! So far, I have 1. Ride an ojek 2. Use a squat toilet 3. Eat at a warung (roadside food vendor, nowhere near as unhygienic as the kaki lima)

- Cameras are invaluable when travelling but a good experience works the same

- There are no rubbish bins in Jakarta, or rubbish collection/disposal system

- To cross the road, follow a local. Otherwise, make a will

- Remember GST is 20% and factor it into your purchases

- Mosquitoes are everywhere!

Brunei, Lightening Storms upon Descent, and Jakarta, yarrrr!

Hello all my imaginary readers and vaguely concerned parents! Welcome to the first blog post of my Indonesian travels - I figured this was the easiest way for people who are interested to check up on life in Jakarta.

For those of you wanting bonus friend points (redeemable where all good credit cards are used), I will make NOT ONLY a brief list of important lessons learnt for the day, but also, possibly, haikus. I'm not sure about the last one. We'll see.

As a writing-type, you know, maybe, I mean, were I to CALL myself a writer, exercise, Ima try and write something every day - just like a diary, only without the references to Nazis (too soon?). I'm pretty sure this'll fail fairly soon but you never know - I might annoy Helena and have no friends, and have to resort to moaning about it in this blog every day. Yeah. You look forward to that, beloved audience.

SO! Without further ado:

I was REALLY nervous when waiting for my plane in Auckland, but foolishly had a leaving party (why?! It's only 6 weeks. Stupid idea, although wonderful to see people!) which went quite late into the night. I also had to pick up Helena from the airport, my fellow Canterbury course graduate and plane-trip buddy (and drug mule. I joke! Ah ha...) So I had about, ohhh I don't know, 4 hours sleep? So we waited until 3:30 am to fly out, what with the inevitable flight delays, and the screaming children in the departure lounge caused a serious discussion between Helena and I about the merits of beating brats on the buttocks with blunt batons (ie wooden spoons). Helena and I bonded over the fact that both had had a sibling beaten until the spoon broke.

The plane took off into the dark, and a lady had stolen my window seat (which actually only consisted of the plane wall anyway) but it was still exciting as all hell, and the moment the plane's wheels left the tarmac and I knew we were off, I couldn't help turning to grin at a very tired (and I should have mentioned, extremely ill) Helena. She was watching Easy A, and I wisely decided to leave her to it and stare at the receding lights of Auckland as we winged our way to Brunei.

I don't really know why people complain about long haul flights, but I guess it was a) my first flight and b) only 9 hours. Anyway, I enjoyed the movies, enjoyed the food (what is wrong with me?!) even though it was foul (does that even make sense?), and enjoyed my semi-conscious naps. The trip was pretty uneventful - the hostesses had really pretty uniforms, with floaty white head scarfs, there was a prayer to Allah to thank him for the mode of transport, which was pretty neat, and we landed in Brunei without any trouble.

It was 7am, and the humidity hit you as soon as you walked up the tunnel from the plane. The runway is lined with palm trees and the airport is pretty small and poky, which I thought was interesting for one of the world's richest states. We headed to our (FREE!) stopover hotel, passing a huge, gold-topped mosque, big tracts of unused land filled with tropical scrub, right next to big complexes of concrete apartments. There are some pretty funky buildings in Brunei, but we were pretty tired, and ended up sleeping at our hotel (awesome!) until the afternoon, when we went exploring! Unfortunately, we didn't really know where to go, so we just wandered around, looked in the HUGE new mall, called very helpfully, The Mall (18 floors or something, we went to ONE), bought some Bruneiian (or actually, Malay) food ( I had Heaven and Earth Passionfruit Drink (yum) and Broad Beans in Garlic and Oil which were delicious, but I'm pretty sure KILLED ME when we tried our next explore.) So, we ended up lying down (both our stomachs having rebelled against us) and finally, venturing down the the sushi restaurant downstairs to order vegetarian maki (mini sushi). We figured it was forgiveable, since Japan invaded Jakarta in WW2 and thus we could classify it as historical research.

After a two hour wait at the airport, we caught our flight to Jakarta! It was pretty bumpy, made up for by the fact that the plane descended through a lightening storm, playing out just past the tip of the plane's wing, where the lightening would strike straight downwards and from side to side, flashes of white and green (which may have been the smog) that crawled across the sky. Brillo!

We landed okay and, clutching the sheet of instructions sent to us by our course co-ordinator guy, we headed to pick up our baggage. The key to not spending money in Jakarta is to ignore everyone. Which is terrible, but probably good advice for a naive tourist - EVERYONE offers to carry your bag (and then will apparently demand to be tipped). Having been warned, Helena and I clung to our bags like whelks to a keel (I'm pretty sure that simile is completely wrong but I like the word whelk so what the hey), ignored all solicitations of luggage lugging and headed through Immigration (where I got nervous and blathered about courses at Catholic Universities - too many Hunter S films make me nervous around airport officials) to customs. People who know me well will understand how it was I who managed to leave my declaration form with Immigration, and had to explain this to the confused, non-English-speaking guard of a recently liberated military country. He was pretty awesome though, and just said "Are you New Zealanders? Go through." Yussss.

We then had to navigate the taxi drivers. LE SIGH. One of them told us he was Bluebird, the trusty taxi company - he wasn't. He then told us it would cost us 250,000 rupiah to get to our hotel (it costs half that). Then he tried to palm us off to his friend with the shady taxi. Eventually we made it to the right company, and headed into Jakarta.

What a city! Firstly, it's sprawlingly massive, lots of giant, electronic signs (the funniest was Samsung's: "Welcome to Ja ta, powered by amsung"). Massive highways, usually filled with INSANE drivers - there are more cars in Jakarta than people, and there are approximately 15,000,000 people here. Lots of ojek, or motorcycle drivers who are even crazier. Terrible air pollution - coming out of the airport, the smell was awful. The humidity is pretty bad too and I'm drinking water constantly, but it's not as bad as I feared and I LOVE the hustle and bustle of this city - it's certainly not boring, and it's nothing like New Zealand. There's rubbish and people EVERYWHERE and on the trip to our hotel, when we stopped at some lights, a little boy ran up to us playing the ukelele and singing "Baby baby baby" (NOT to the tune of Justin Bieber you sickos) "Miss miss miss hey miss baby hey baby". Very funny, especially when he said a rude word that the driver wouldn't translate when we didn't give him any money (apparently begging is illegal in Jakarta, although technically I figure he'd be busking).

We arrived at the Ibis, and wandered around a wee bit rattled, looking for our hotel, the Rota, but found it very quickly and managed to collapse in our small, but perfectly serviceable room, complete with the obligatory mosquitoes. I slept under my mosquito net (thanks Gen!) but couldn't set it up properly since you have to screw things into walls so basically I looked like a mummy, or a particularly large fly. Yummo.

This morning, we met some of our fellow JPPers in the hotel buffet and then headed to the course (9AM?!). It was a basic run down of health and security today (and I managed to fail the pop quiz about Jakarta miserably, le sigh, apart from my knowledge of colonial history). The rest of the JPPers all seem really friendly and it was great to meet them - the next couple of weeks should be good! At lunchtime we were taken by our Pandamping, or student helpers, to a huge mall where I had Baksu (sp) soup, spicy broth with meatballs which is DELICIOUS! Then it was back to the course and then time to view our kos, or boarding houses. Six of us squashed into a car and travelled to one of the suburbs (it slips my mind here, cos I'm useless) and experienced the narrow winding roads, street stalls, rickity houses next to plush apartment rises, open drains running alongside the street, rubbish everywhere, AWFUL heat, the guys who carry enormous loads of rubbish in literal horse floats and then pick through them (I guess to find things worth salvaging?). We weren't lucky enough to find a kos, after looking at about five or six, but maybe tomorrow we'll have more luck - I had a bundle of fun, my eyes are hurting from being so wide for so long and I'm extremely tired - but it's New Year's Eve here and I can hear the brightly coloured horns many Indonesians will be blowing into the night, and which I first saw being hooted by a six year old boy in the carrier basket of a wobbling motorcycle today. I think it's time for a beer with my homies, so I'll sign out here. MUCH shorter entry tomorrow, I promise.

LESSONS LEARNT 1:

- It is essential for me to ride an ojek before I go home

- Indonesian people are very friendly! New Zealanders have a very misleading reputation!

- Control of temper is, like maturity, something to work on (for your MUMS)

- There's no place like home, for non-pollution and quiet

- Home can be hella boring

- Indonesian food is awesome

- Taxi drivers are generally schiesters in Jakarta

- Travelling is frustrating, expensive and a whole bucketload of fun

This is it! Le Finis! Let me lick your tears...

Ew. That title is a wee bit creepy, non? Still, THIS IS IT, dear non-corporeal readers! The end of the most epic tale ever told. If you haven't read the start, head to the first ever post (story telling in reverse. So hot right now). Due to waning authorial interest, the story does tend to end, well, abruptly. But life is short and you should be out praising Alice and I, instead of exhaustively reading our literary works of greatness! So without further ado, the very last few passages of the story-to-end-all-stories-even-that-one-about-the-Jewish-carpenter (too far?) :

Alex Walls

Okay okay I decided we should finish this story, so let's make a deadline

of FOUR MESSAGES EACH to finish, okay? And then we can decide

whether to start a new one or just cough awkwardly and pretend we

never met...
HUZZAH!

Alice Claire Hu

Her journey was filled with events such as dodging spades

(which so happened to be the castles great security plan) and

avoiding gnomes. Approaching Alice's prison, Ellie saw how

spades were probably the most expensive part of the security plan.

Two small kids were sitting at the barbed gate, shoving spaghetti

in their mouths and comparing stones they had found earlier in the

day. Ellie slowly approached, keeping in mind she may have to

breakout the Hoedown Throwdown if in fact these kids were more

than just a recessions effect on prison guards.

Alex Walls

However luck was with her, as the children began to have a slap

fight over who had picked the biggest bogey. Ellie waited patiently

as they slapped, kicked and bit their way into tantrums and then

followed in their wailing wake into the castle, where she heard an

imperious voice say "Less feta, MORE par-mee-sahhhhnnn! I will

be in the broomstick yard when you learn to cook, you philistine!"

and saw a cheese-covered security guard and a very pretty girl

coming toward her.

Alice Claire Hunt

overwhelmed with excitement that she had found Ailce so quickly

Ellie quickly ducked behind a cabbage bush to avoid being spotted

by the guard. Alice had taken a seat near one of the windows and

was absintmindedly twirling her hair muttering various cheese songs

she'd made up. Once the guard was out of view Ellie began to quietly

sneak towards Alice.

Alex Walls

(You have TWO left!) "Alice! Come on, let's go!" whispered Ellie,

grabbing Alice's pre-occupied hands. Alice started and then knocked

Ellie's hand away. "Ellie! I haven't done my HAIR yet!" she said

grumpily, and quite loudly. Making an executive decision, Ellie nodded

gravely at her sister's words and then hit her over the head with a

vase that was handily nearby and just hadn't been mentioned so far...

Draping her sister over her shoulder, Ellie hastened toward the

broomstick yard, where she intended to hitch a ride on a sticky

broom outta hurrr.

Alice Claire Hunt

To her surprise no one put up much of a fight. In fact, they were

all rather glad to be rid of Alice, even if it meant giving up the

Elixer as she was becoming quite the demanding prisoner.
Ellie raced towards her favorite broomstick, the Shifty Sweeper

(made popular around the mid 2000's by a famous chimney sweep

called Gary who also doubled as a secret agent). She hopped on,

threw Alice in the basket on the front and speed off before the

guards changed their mind and realised that in fact the Elixer was

what the whole story was based around and was therefore probably

worth fighting for.

Alex Walls

(LAST ONE ALICE!) As Ellie flew into the air, wobbling frantically

past a bloated, oversized moon (plagiarism? What plagiarism?!),

Alice moaned, stirred and dropped her shoe on the heads of the

frantically mobilising guards. With a complete lack of physics the

shoe bounced onto all five heads, knocking them out for the count,

just as Alice pulled out the Elixir and Ellie kicked the Shifty Sweeper

('Gary's Home -made Vasectomy! It Flies, It Soars, It's More Effective

Than Chemical Castration!') into high gear and flew back towards

Cuwuba Island, to find the gravesite of Colorado Bones, closely

followed by several salmony characters riding a baby seal with

strangely disgusting eyes.

Alice Claire Hunt

Alice turned to Ellie and asked "I don't understand what all the commotion

was about, and why can't we go back to the castle?? I was in the

middle of a high five championship with only 1 guard left to beat!"
Ellie rolled her eyes as they flew off into the distance,chuckling as

she thought of the friends lost along the way, all due to this simple

minded sister of hers.
"Don't worry Alice, we'll make you the high 5 champion yet."
And they both lived happily ever after.
The End.

Alex Walls Bro. I had one more too. Awkward...

More Story!

Before you read this, STAY THINE EYES! Stayyyyyy. Have you read the start of this epic-of-epic-proportions? Because things generally flow better when you begin at the beginning. Yeah. You can have that for FREE. Oh yeah. And the story starts, confusingly, at the bottom of this page. Go figure.

Alex Walls 05 January at 11:51

(Not at all! It's about time we dispatched Johnny)

Meanwhile a passing witch with PMS (Post Magic Syndrome) bad

temperedly transmogrified (kudos Bill Watterson) Hogwarts into a

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT AND THEREFORE NON-LIABLE CASTLE,

which LUCKILY still contained the Olympian Princess Alice (insert

lavish worship here) and the chicken coop that was Ellie's destination.

Most unfortunately, the peasants of the castle, sick to death of the

constant quips about supposed revolutions sounding humourously

(or humourLESSly) like a slight upon their personal hygeine were

indeed revolting and had laid seige to the castle, kidnapped the

ineffable Princess Alice as their new goddess and had released a

statement claiming the chickens had been liberated from their

bourgeoise oppression in a coop (NB: pun re coup) and were now

being integrated for the common good into communal nutrition

production housing.

Alice Claire Hunt 05 January at 12:00

Recovering from the length of the sentence, Princess Ellie and Miike

(who had caught up with our new heroes) hid in the cave which Clucksy

had initally been running to, in order to form a plan.
"We must save Alice!!!!" exclaimed Ellie, becoming distressed at the

thought of her sister having to speak to commoners. "She is the keeper

of the Elix...i mean the family jewels!!"

Although Ellie was dim witted in most aspects of life, she knew the

importance of the Elixer and was appalled at her almost slip of the

tongue.

Alex Walls 05 January at 12:18

Having recovered from the perilously long sentence (apologies), the

fearless trio set off, Mike none the wiser that his precious Elixir was

in the hands of a beautiful yet mercilessly cruel FIEND. For yes! Princess

Alice was a sorceress of unparalleled power, having managed to swing

the American elections so that Bush won! Ellie, cowed all her life by her Republican-pushing sister, knew it was time to fight for the powers of

good: a free form government devoid of human presence! She would

fight for honour, freedom, her true love Johnny (who, among other n00bs,

had fallen for Alice's charms and agreed to seek the Elixir) and non-dairy, gluten-free, organic apple pie!

Alice Claire Hunt 06 January at 17:57

In the cave, many a bat were living.
Ellie crouched next to Mike and asked "How are we going to approach

the castle? There are many hidden entrances but they are mainly

around the back of the castle, so we must find a way to distract the

rampaging workers!!!"
Miike having completed Final Fantasy 7 knew a thing or two about

adventures so he began to devise a plan!

Alex Walls 07 January at 22:10

He also knew a thing or two about poor graphics and incredibly

intricate plot, two factors this story is definitely without, so he pulled

out his 3D DrawPad (TM) and began to create Holo-Selves for himself,

Ellie, Clucksy and a bat who happened to be napping in front of him

named Cornelius. Before he could get carried away with the moon and

cuboid-inspired trees, Mike sent forth the Holo-Selves to spout consumer rhetoric as a distraction for their sneaky sneak through the laundry

chute into the castle.

Alice Claire Hunt 08 January at 07:50

Dashing into the laundry chute Ellie got her seam caught on a

loose nail. She pulled and pulled to free herself but the nail

seemed to be having a gay old time watching her silently struggle.

In the distance the Holo-Shelves were proving not much of a

distraction as they merely housed objects, and once the rioters

were satisfied they had in fact read all the issues of "Buffy the

Vampire Slayer" on display they continued on with their angry

commotion.

Yelling down the landry chute Ellie tried to alert the others of

her situation.
"Mike! Mike please, I appear to be caught!"
"Mike can't save you now deary..." replied the voice from

deep below her.

Alex Walls 10 January at 17:23

And into the light swung Spike, who had been hanging down in the

laundry chute, waiting for women's underwear to pass him (don't ask).

"Hey baby" he said, prominent cheekbones glistening in the light,

successfully hiding the fact that he was a) anorexic b) not ACTUALLY

good looking and c) was utterly creepy. Ellie, caught off guard by said cheekbones and also the fact that Spike had ripped his shirt off whilst

staring into the distance, entrancing her with his abs, slowly walked

towards the gaping entrance of the chute...

Alice Claire Hunt 10 January at 17:38

the chute being in the ground, Ellie fell forwards and ripped her

dress. But this was the least of her worries, as when she landed

she saw Miike and clucksy tied to chairs in the corner. Before she

could free her mates Spike had once again flashed his abs, a

technique he learned from twilight, and Ellie was under his spell

once more.

Alex Walls 10 January at 17:43

Yes, and before this writing can get too Twilight-esque (read:

UTTERLY CRAP) Spike had in turn been mesmorised by Ellie's

now rather minimalistic clothing approach and had started to

slobber. Repulsed, Ellie shook off the last of the ab-trance, saw

Spike for what he was (a D list scare crow) and kicked him in a

place no man who wants children should be kicked.

Alice Claire Hunt 10 January at 17:47

Spike knealing on the ground Ellie shouted "It's ok guys, ill set

you free!!!" and pulling her handy princess switchblade from her

garter she cut them loose and hurried out of the laundry room,

locking behind them a howling Spike.
"Are you alright" Asked Ellie, as Miike still wide eyed, followed her

down the long passage way.
"you were amazing back there, truly amazing." Miike was starring

at Ellie in such a fashion she decided it best to focus her attention

on Cucksy, as to not encourage this appernt new crush further.

Alex Walls 10 January at 17:53

The chicken formerly known as Clucksy had removed the 'l' in

her name in a reaction against binary programming code, for

a reason one could only assume was valid and powerful, since

it was expressed in indecipherable chicken sqwawks. This didn't

stop Cucksy trying to warn Ellie about the mummy shuffling

towards her from the crypts (conveniently, if rather unhygienically,

located behind the laundry) as Mike stared contentedly and uselessly

at Ellie and her now-on-display anatomy.

Alice Claire Hunt 12 January at 18:37

Cucksy pecked and pecked til Ellie noticed the shuffling toilet

roll and responded "OH Cucksy don't worry that's just Jim,

your cleaner!"
Jim was rather unfortunately burnt beyond recognition in a

chili sauce competition and the only place he'd been able to find

work was deep underground where no one had to look at him.

He shuffled on pass, wards the dryers and Ellie slapped some

sence back into Miike.
"Ok, so the entrance to the main hall is just up on our left, but I

think it will be guarded. Our best bet is through the kitchens!"
And with that they were off!!!

Alex Walls 15 January at 12:19

As they ran, Mike mentally noted to avoid seemingly innocent,

family-fun chilli competitions in future. Another blow for small

town entertainment, alas, but when one's chilli causes bowel

movements that set off the Richter scale, something needs to

be done. Skidding to a halt inside the kitchen, Cucksy sqwawked

in horror. Frozen chicken carcasses were piled up for the

horrified hen's eye to see. Recognizing a certain club footed

body, she screamed in horror, said "Uncle Mike?!" in Chickese

and fainted away just as a chef yelled "Fresh meat!"

Alice Claire Hunt 16 January at 07:20

Ellie and Miike were running too fast thru the kitchen to

notice Cucksy faint and unfortunately left her behind! Will our

chicken hero be ok? Or will she end up in front of our heroes

with a side of chips?
A good thing too that Ellie and Miike were busy hiding in the

pantry while a bustle of angry rioting workers (i think it was

the workers who were upset?) as the high death toll of this

story is enough to make anyone give up and roll over.

Alex Walls 19 January at 06:43

Mike decided that it was now or never with the fair princess

and accordingly he turned toward Ellie and whispered soulfully

"Have you heard of the game 'Seven Minutes in Heaven'? Cos I

feel like I'm in Heaven when I look into your eyes." Ellie replied

appropriately by throwing up on his shoes and then apologising

vaguely for spoiling his loafers as she watched Cucksy formulate

a daring plan of escape from her comatose position.

Alice Claire Hunt 10 February at 18:51

Cucksy is dead. And therefore cannot, willnot and shallnot be

making any type of escape plan. At least this is what the writer

thought, but it turns out Cucksy was usefull, even in death. As the

trollop of workers stormed by, and Miike tried to make his move

once more on the princess (he'd had far worse reactions than

vomit and was taking it as a plus) Cucksy body was blown into

a vent, blocking it and causing havoc to break loose EVERYWHERE!

Alex Walls 13 February at 12:03

With a BOOM! and the muffled sound of Cucksy's heroic corpse

being shredded into several hundred pieces, the castle kitchens

exploded upward in a huge fireball, severely scorching our heroes'

eyebrows and completely disbanding (and dismembering) the troop

of trollops marching against lowering the standard of living in the

castle. Thus Cucksy, that heroic fowl, freed our heroes to continue

their quest to find Princess Alice and the Elixir of Life and also single

handedly (or wingedly) upheld an economy of oppression for another

hundred years. Huzzah!

Alice Claire Hunt 14 February at 15:13

Huzzah indeed!
Ellie and Miike dashed thru the now empty corridors, occasionally

retracing there steps as they found their exits blocked by rubble.
"Where exactly are we going again?" asked Miike, as they doubled

back yet again upon finding a pile of rubble too large to move.
"I'm sure Alice will be in her room, the problem is she has 3 rooms

in the castle, so I figured if we can get to the operations station of

the castle we can figure out which one she is in!"
Ellie sounded so convinced this plan was good that Miike decided it

was best to just follow and hope.

Alex Walls 14 February at 16:01

Unfortunately Mike and Ellie had forgotten that Alice had been

kidnapped by the revolutionists and was at this moment sending

a prison guard on his way covered in the sticky rice she refused

to eat. Beautiful she may be, but spoilt rotten with no taste to

boot was the Princess Alice. So Mike and Ellie, with a last farewell

cake walk for Cucksy, headed to the laundry chute, miraculously intact,

and began to climb with a vengeance, Ellie firstly ensuring, with a

poin-ted stick, that Mike climbed up FIRST.

Alice Claire Hunt 14 February at 16:43

The stick came in handy for keeping Miike's pace up while

climbing the chute as well.
They cautiously peered out the top of the chute to asses their

surroundings. "Everyone seems to have gone inside to investigate

the explosion" commented Miike, as they glanced from the forest t

o the castle."I still can't believe I forgot Alice had been captured!"

Exclaimed Ellie, "I mean, I was the one to tell you that!!!"
Feeling this was an opportunity to show Ellie he really was capable

of being a good and prospective boyfriend Miike decided to bound

from their hiding place and triumphantly head towards the prison.

Pity he didn't see the upturned spade.

Alex Walls 06 March at 11:56

hahahah asses, I love your crazy spelling.

With a fall worthy of Charlie Chaplin, Mike bowed gracefully

from the scene, crumbling to the ground like some very crumbly

thing. Ellie rolled her eyes and decided the adventure would go

a lot quicker and a lot less retardedly if she just left Mike behind,

so she scattered some leaves over him and placed a branch carefully

over his prone form. THen she hiked up the remains of her dress and

stared ruefully at the pair of grey underpants she was wearing that

had once been green. "First stop, a clothes line!" she muttered and

headed toward the revolutionists' camp with gusto (an action, not to

be mistaken for gumbo, a really very tasty stew).