This really should have been in the introduction bit, but Google wouldn't let me max out the character limit. Curse you, technological conglomerate! This is a blog dedicated mostly to a
story written over the course of two years (and counting!) via Facebook messages. It was inspired by a similar effort back in 2003 written on refill during fifth form maths, with the result that I failed maths, Alice was successfully distracted from Calculus and a co-authorship of truly staggering proportions of
awesome was born. IF YOU WISH IT, dear non-existent readers, we can also do the actual blog thing and fill you in on interesting tidbits from our lives from time to time (for instance, my
top ten list of fictional hotties (I don't need your pity!)). Without further ado, BEHOLD THE AWESOME:
Alex Walls 07 October 2008 at 20:08
"Once upon a time there was an old scientist walking down a forest path. He was obviously a scientist, for he wore a shiny white lab coat that lit up in the forest like a small, coat-shaped sun. His sciencyness was his downfall, for being more concerned with his scientific credibility than his health and safety, he was shot in his shiny white lab coat by a hunter coked up on caffeine pills and misplaced aggression, who thought the scientist was an albino deer. 'Oh deer' said the hunter and one must at this time reflect on the cruel sense of humour of the gods, viz, that despite his horrific abuse of the english language, it was not the hunter who lay bleeding upon the ground."
Alice Claire Hunt 07 October 2008 at 21:29
The red slowly ran down onto the grass surrounding the scientist and as the hunter drew close he noticed a speck of salmon that was only now visible due to the glowing edges of white coat that had not yet sponged up the ever flowing blood.He leaned in and as his hat fell over his dilated pupils he realized that this was no ordinary piece of fish.
Alex Walls 08 October 2008 at 00:27
Removing the offending hat he absent mindedly removed the monocle that had been perching, cheekily, on the scientist's cheek (for he had been a German scientist) and screwed it onto his own eye, which prompty filled with blood. He then removed said eyeware, wiped it inconsiderately on the remains of the German scientist and once again leant in to further inspect this mysterious substance of the fishy persuasion.
Alice Claire Hunt 08 October 2008 at 09:10
It glistened in the fading light of the coat and reminded the hunter (who consequently is named Calvin) of a tiny slug.As he reached down to prod it, it suddenly slithered into the grass and disappeared.Astounded the hunter gasped, then just as suddenly forgot why he was gasping, how there was a dead man in front of him and why his hand was covered in eye blood.
Alex Walls 08 October 2008 at 13:20
Thoroughly confused, Calvin wandered around in circles and occasionally smote his head with his hands until yea, he did surely trip upon a tree root, bashing himself unconscious on the tough old pine's trunk. The slug-fish-thing then appeared in a clap of smoke, tiny eye stalks quivering with triumph as the pine tree hurriedly removed his old fashioned luggage, muttering about saplings having more respect for aged wood in his day, never mind allowing his elders first go at the sunshine, thank you very much..
Alice Claire Hunt 08 October 2008 at 14:49
A while later, along came a cute little bunny named Henry. Henry often came down this way as everyone knows that the oldest pine trees have the best roots for burrowing in.As he bounded along the path he noticed a pair of eyes attached to what could only be described as thin strips of salmon attached to a fatter piece of salmon. Usually such oddities in the forest didn't phase Henry but there was something about this little fellow that had him worried...
Alex Walls 08 October 2008 at 17:09
"Hello...you!" said Henry, for he had been brought up a polite bunny and even knew how to fold an origami thank you crane, complete with origami thank you baby. "Would you care to help me burrow?" he asked, sniffing (as is polite in bunny terms, and which of course Henry, being brought up a polite bunny who knew intricate origami, would do) at the thin-strips-of-salmon-attached-to-a-fatter-piece-of-salmon and gagging a little at the overpowering whiff of the piscine he received. "FOOL!" cried the T.S.O.S.A.T.A.F.P.O.S. "Do you know who I am?!"
Alice Claire Hunt 09 October 2008 at 09:25
Obviously Henry didn't, otherwise he would have greeted him accordingly, but the bunny held his tongue (as the suspicion curiosity and fear were all building up in him and he now felt rather angry) and replied "I'm sorry but I must admit I don't frequent these parts often and I'm rather unaware of the creatures who dwell in said area". Oh the upbringing! Oh the word structure! Henry's mother would have been so proud.
Alex Walls 09 October 2008 at 20:29
Proud of his perfect, if pedantic, grammatical structure and not so proud of the T.S.O.S.A.T.A.F.P.O.S. and his rudeness, who for brevity's sake we shall now call Salmony, as though he were some sort of delightful toy as opposed to the abrasive slime ball he appears to be. These thoughts too ran through Henry's head and so he did not quite notice Salmony making a spirited, if somewhat sluggish (badum schhh) escape from the scene, inching furiously along the pine root.
Alice Claire Hunt 09 October 2008 at 22:03
Fortunately Henry wasn't one to dwell on such trivial things as the whereabouts of the person he is talking to. So he continued on his way down the path towards Laaloon Lake as if nothing had happened, and I'm sure if you asked Henry he would say it was a rather uneventful journey from burrowing in the pine roots to the lake. (Henry, although being an astounding English scholar had smoked one too many carrots back in the day and his memory has suffered terribly) Fortunately for Henry, upon arrival he was informed that the Jonas Brothers would be giving an impromptu performance that evening!!
Alex Walls 11 October 2008 at 16:20
Yes..the Jonas Brothers...were playing at a Lake which this writer strongly suspects is the name of the lake in that horrible made-for-tv movie on Disney about Rock Camping or something but ANYWAY! Henry lollopped along toward Laaloon Lake occasionally bumping into trees and apologising absent mindedly as he did (carrots again). As he ambled along he began to see streams of other foresty characters heading the same way. Despite all appearances, the Jonas Brothers seemed to be a popular act! Seven dwarfs with spectacles on marched past carrying briefcases and singing "Hi hoo, hi hoo, if you cross me I will sue!", many of the fairy tale characters having evolved somewhat at this point. Indeed, Henry even saw Sleeping Beauty in a 2 Litre, 6 cylinder, fully hydraulic Corvette with the bass down low, bouncing her way along towards the lake and so far avoiding police notice for SWD (Sleeping Whilst Driving) by the simple fact that she had her sunglasses on. As he watched all this, Henry began to wonder about his own, quaint and yet a little gay, fluffy bunny rabbit gig.
Alice Claire Hunt 11 October 2008 at 19:47
Henry finally got to the Lake (which is named after no such disney movie, it is infact an alice orginal) and started to feel he could finally relax and not worry about his bleeding paw. The cabin parties were in full swing and Henry went to join the other bunnies in the corner who, desipte the recent raid on the farms but the Police Pigs, had manged to score some Parsnips!!! As Henry didn't have to worry about his gig until later that evening he didn't feel an ounce of guilt taking a nibble.Up at the bar a cafuffle was going down between a man who was trying to convince everyone else he was an extra in Wall-E.
Alex Walls 11 October 2008 at 20:15
His bleeding paw (from where he had bumped into trees in a carrot-induced haze) twinging a little, Henry decided to go sort out the KERfuffle, and have a look in on the cafuffle too, which was a rare sight indeed, being a type of alpine toaster. His Parsnip-enhanced charisma (drugs are bad mkay, but veges? Everyone knows you gotta have 5+ a day of those babies yeahhh) coming to the fore, Henry made his way past his fellow slurring bunnies, all idly thumping their legs in preparation for the gig that night and made his way to the bar, where he ordered a round for everyone. After the cheers died down and the crowd rushed the bar as one to place their orders, Henry made his way to the Wall-E extra, having first put the round on Barney the Dinosaur's tab, who was passed out in a corner, one arm around a comatose powerpuff girl, who had lived up to her name and so was surrounded in a cloud of greenish smoke.
Alice Claire Hunt 11 October 2008 at 21:29
The Wall-E extra wannabe was trying to tell everyone he was "that guy", in the annoying "you know, that guy! from the beginning?" unfortuantely for him he hadnt actually seen the movie and didn't realise he had been left on the cutting room floor. along with token black guy and ginge girl. Oh and the fact its an ANIMATION DICKHEAD. well thats the gist of what Henry was saying anyway.
Alex Walls 11 October 2008 at 21:30
The Wall-E extra gazed at Henry with remarkably good puppy dog eyes for a drunken fat guy and burst into large, alcoholic tears. Henry, more disgusted then guilty, shuffled away into the now-mob that was, well, mobbing the 'free' bar.
Alice Claire Hunt 13 October 2008 at 16:59
Henry wasn't sure how to deal with crowds, growing up he had always been the reclusive bunnie in the burrow...his mother figured it was because he missed his dad who had died in an unfortunate wheelbarrow collision. So his mother had always tried to encourage him to be part of the crowd but Henry preferred his own company to that of mobs. Bizzare really.
Alex Walls 13 October 2008 at 18:28
Mobs being the fun loving scalliwags that they are. Still, there's no accounting for taste, so Henry tried desperately to extricate himself from the crowd, remembering in his panic his father's words of advice, to look both ways before crossing the vege patch. These not being particularly useful (besides being very hypocritical) Henry breathed deeply twice and then shouted "The Fuzz! Split!". He then proceeded to alternately scream in a high pitched falsetto and howl like a siren. Chaos ensued.
Alice Claire Hunt 14 October 2008 at 10:17
As everyone ran left and right, confused as to why hey were running only then to remember sirens mean DOGS!!!!and no one wants to be attacked by a dog these days. henry slowly hopped into a side alley to avoid the fuss only to see Nick Jonas and Demi Lovato!!! MAKING OUT!!!He almost spewed a little in his mouth, then gathered his senses and took a photo. The two looked startled at first, but henry was stealth and just put on hisbig cuddly eyes and they forgot all about the photo. Henry hadnt of course, that baby was going get his kids through private school!!!
Alex Walls 14 October 2008 at 14:26
His twenty one children that was, all stuck at home with his highschool sweetheart Mitsy, who was working double shifts at the 'Veg n Go' to support Henry's dream of being a famous forest star. Unfortunately, the pre-teen couple, sick to death of Paparazzi and their 'intrusion of privacy is a point of view' attitudes, pulled off their shoes (high heels, Nick Jonas going through a bit of an alternative phase) and began to beat Henry about the head with them. In his haste to flee the hail of retributive (it's a word) footwear, Henry bumped heavily into a rather familiar bespectacled figure...
Alice Claire Hunt 14 October 2008 at 16:28
HARRY POTTER!!!cried Henry in a moment of joy!"IM NOT FRICKIN HARRY POTTER!" shrieked Jared Leto "im just trying out the smart glasses look GOD!"and he stormed off in a poof of Armani Light Blue.This strange encounter seemed to distract the Jonai long enough for Henry to make a quick escape down through the sewers.
Alex Walls 14 October 2008 at 17:35
Leaving poor God clouded in Light Blue and all alone in the face of adolescent angst. Having pitched Jesus off to earth purely to AVOID this, he did some finger twiddling and miracled his butt back up to the Pearly Gates, leaving Henry to make good his rather smelly escape.
Alice Claire Hunt 14 October 2008 at 18:17
Having no idea what just happend Henry settled down for a nap, having convinced himself he was going insane.Up on the main land Jared Leto was having a fight with the bar tender (who had ignored the sirens and kept at the mob).Leto was convinced his band were playing, while in fact it was the Jonai Trio who were to grace the stage that evening. But Leto was having none of THAT!
Alex Walls 17 October 2008 at 13:29
Sharpening his nails and applying his ceremonial war eye liner in practised strokes, he shook loose the bandages about his wrists and leapt over the bar onto the bar tender, who, all ready beleaguered by a mob of people convinced someone had shouted a round and a SWAT team hinting heavily about 'protection alcohol' whilst tapping their batons into their palms meaningfully, with much raised eyebrow action, WHO I say, started foaming at the mouth (the bar tender, stay with me) and leapt to meet the mid-air Leto. With an all mighty thump they crashed to the floor, causing a small tsunami in the sewers below, that crested crustily into a mighty wave and, farting methane as it went, flowed toward Henry...
Alice Claire Hunt 17 October 2008 at 17:44
Who drowned.It was a devastating way to lose our hero, but alas there isnt much a little bunny can do against a tide of (for lack of a better word) poo.Fortunately his body shored on an island where the magical Voodoo tribe "cawuba" lived. They stewed his feces soaked body into a syrup which can extend life until 200+, little did they know this would soon become the sought object of many a death fearing man.
Alex Walls 20 October 2008 at 11:46
Death fearing, but not infection fearing. The cawuba island became a sort of golden fleece island, you know with jason and the argonauts and that crazy lady who cut people up into pieces but ended out Queen of somewhere which just goes to show you, nice guys do finish last, or at least, finish covered in poo. The cawuba tribe placed Henry's stewed essence into a small golden vial and then hid it away in a labrinth in the centre of the island, complete with traps and sliding trap doors behind which hats could fall off and be grabbed at the last minute, just waiting for some likely adventurer...
Alex Walls 20 October 2008 at 11:47
Death fearing, but not infection fearing. The cawuba island became a sort of golden fleece island, you know with jason and the argonauts and that crazy lady who cut people up into pieces but ended out Queen of somewhere which just goes to show you, nice guys do finish last, or at least, finish covered in poo. The cawuba tribe placed Henry's stewed essence into a small golden vial and then hid it away in a labrinth in the centre of the island, complete with traps and sliding trap doors behind which hats could fall off and be grabbed at the last minute, just waiting for some likely adventurer...
Alice Claire Hunt 20 October 2008 at 11:57
Head of the Cawuba tride, Maabumba, wasn't the brightest spark. He came into power purely because ancient Cawuba prophecies state that it will be the fattest of them all who rules, and Maabumba happened to weigh in at a hefty 95kg. (he's 3 foot tall) As Maabumba was so excited to finally have something going on in his island he told everyone he met about the magical vial hidden deep in the labyrinths depths, much like when hagrid got drunk and told a disguised Quarrel how to tame Fluffy.
Alex Walls 20 October 2008 at 12:50
So, like some midget version of a certain famous character from someone else's book, Maabumba slowly circulated about the island, always arriving at dinner time and managing to stay 'just for a slice, really, musn't hang about, bigger than that, call that a slice you tight fisted bitch?' Rumours of the Life Longevitor (yeah, that's a word too) flew about the surrounding islands as Maabumba couldn't, being slightly impeded by his huge rolls of disgusting fat. In a remarkably short time, both real and narrative, the rumour reached the ears of one Colorado Bones, archaeologist, adventurer and studmuffin extraordinaire. Ooh, Colorado, he so fahn!
Alice Claire Hunt 20 October 2008 at 20:36
Colorado was busy doing a Kalvin Clein ad. (like what i did there? to avoid copywrite?...oh yeah) As he was in his room stuffing wocks down his y fronts and bluebird perched on the window to share the news. The bluebird was such a good friend to Colorado because he was blind and therefore could never judge him for his sock habit.Upon hearing the news Colorado became so excited he neednt have put the socks in! He was fine on his own!!
Alex Walls 21 October 2008 at 17:41
Cos copywrite is such an issue an all...and what the heck are wocks? Are they like, another species of ewok? Retarded ewoks? The evolutionary predecessors of ewoks? And ewwww alice you so wrong :D) Okay! So the bluebird, being a rather dim witted lil guy, said "My, you bought me a new perch Colorado! You're so wunnerful!" and proceeded to step onto the part of Colorado that made sock stuffing unnecessaryand flex his little blue bird talons. At this moment Colorado's mother walked in, having finished cleaning his whips (get it? You see? COLORADO BONES? Adventurer with a whip? Sounds a little like someother-american-state jones, doesn't it?? Sigh. My genius is so unappreciated) His mother froze, Colorado froze mid-scream and into the echoing silence the blue bird said "So anyways what's the haps?"
Alice Claire Hunt 21 October 2008 at 18:17
(ahahahaha i meant socks. and I would never have got the name linkage on my own...how sad. but now that i do i can appreciate your talents all over again...)...while kneading his claws into the strange branch. Colorado flicked him off with the power of his pinkie, and ran off to the bathroom to regather himself, knocking over his frozen mother on the way who fell to the floor and had her hand snap off.
Alex Walls 21 October 2008 at 20:14
(HA! Her hand! YOu're hilarious!) Once Colorado had put some pants on and placed the stunned bluebird upon his ACTUAL perch, he then stood over his dismantled (and dismembered) mother and danced from side to side in anxiety, saying "Ooohh" shrilly over and over. Finally the bluebird, who had a concussion headache from his 'fall', asked him severely to shut up and Colorado, calming himself (and applying fresh socks to his y-fronts) gathered his mother up, handed her over to the baker with instructions to join her severed hand to her wrist with dough and then defrost her in the oven and then gathered all his clothes, money and 'Cooking Weekly' magazines and jumped aboard the first ship heading for Cawuba Island, ominously named the HMS 'The We-Arrrrrren't-Really-Pirates'
Alice Claire Hunt 21 October 2008 at 20:36
Deep within the bowls of the ship, unbeknown to CB was small Johnny Weewinkle (who in the movie adaptation of this book will be played be Gael Garcia Bernal). Johnny was a castaway from the island of MExico, and had been living off wood shavings, needless to say he was very thin and not very smart. You see it had never occured to Johnny to leave the ship before.Up on deck Bones had set up his boombox ready to do his rendition of "in the navy"
Alex Walls 21 October 2008 at 22:42
Turning the backing vocals up high, Bones struck his elvis pose and began, his voice warbling between high falsetto and false base as it struggled to hit a pitch even remotely connected with the melody. Johnny, having just finished a breakfast of teak shavings, sat up like a dog who's seen a cat sidling by, and cocked his head to the side. "Sirens!" he gasped as strains of "you can sail the seven seas..." floated down from on deck.
Alice Claire Hunt 21 October 2008 at 23:16
Johnny hurriedly finished his breakfast and rushed up to the main deck, swaying to and fro as the waves pushed the boat along."You!" he exclaimed as he got to the top of the stairs and had full view of the Bones pelvic thrusting with a mop between his legs. CB slowy turned around and with a gasp dropped the very mop he had been faux fornicating..."Son???!?"
Alex Walls 21 October 2008 at 23:21
"Mum????!" cried Johnny, rushing to where the mop had fallen, abandoned, like some one night stand at a lonely port bar somewhere, to the ground. Cradling the musty mop in both hands he wept woody tears of joy at having found his long lost mother. At this thought, however, he realised his mother had never been lost, she was at home baking a pineapple ring cake and singing along to Maroon 5 (we never said she had taste). He stood up, coughed and cleared his throat and then in a very deep voice said "Ahem hmmm uh Dad?"
Alice Claire Hunt 22 October 2008 at 10:18
"No no boy, you're not my son!" replied Colorado, seems he hadn't put his contacts in yet "I DO apologise dear boy, I just, well my son disapeared 3 years and 23 hours ago, and now I see him everywhere".Slightly gutted as Johnny had recognized Bones from the cover of a womens magazie (the type his mum read while baking goods such as the aforementioned cake) and Johnny wouldnt mind a bit of inheritance in his life. While pondering these thuoghts of cake, magazines and money, Bones had slowly wondered off towards the mast, and Johnny heard a faint "son?!?" as Bones approached the long wooden beam.
Alex Walls 22 October 2008 at 17:39
An idea slowly wormed its way into Johnny's wood-addled brain like some abstract form of bora and he rearranged his hair and clearing his throat, muttered a few phrases to himself in a french accent. He then made his way toward the terminally confused CB and said "Papa???"CB turned around, gasped and said "Son??!" and staggered towards the deck railing, arms outstretched. Johnny sighed gustily and said loudly "Oui mon pere c'et moi!" His french then being almost exhausted, and CB still loudly addressing the railing, he shouted "YEZ, MAH FARTHURRR, TIS AH, YOUR LONG LOUST ZON!"
Alice Claire Hunt 22 October 2008 at 20:41
This shouting caught Bones by surprise as he had never heard of a country called france let alone its language, but in his dazed state he accepted that this boy must indeed be his son and embraced him like only a guilty man can. His guilt steming from the 3 years of neglect he believed had ocurred, but i guess that's what you get when you take your kid to a foster home 'kids for sale' parade and leave them unattended.
Alex Walls 22 October 2008 at 21:57
Who would've thunk it? At any rate, Johnny found the French accent quite taxing and also suspected that it wasn't really you know...that french actually so he soon knocked off and Bones attributed it to Post Traumatic Stress brought on by seeing his estranged father, guilt being an amazing lubricant for the insertion of nonsense into the mind. (Ew) And also cash into the hands of one young Johnny NoGood Conman (which was unfortunately Johnny's real name, since he'd changed it before his last court appearance so he could claim he couldn't have ever avoided a life of crime, with a name like that. The judge, being no fool, did some investigations and found Johnny's 'black taint forever at my shoulder' name had been around for a grand total of three days and had slapped him in hard service on a brig for three years, hence the naval confinement and eating of wood). At any rate a conscience-ridden bones handed over his aged wallet to Johnny, which also happened to contain the map to Cawuba Island.
Alice Claire Hunt 23 October 2008 at 23:26
Astounded Johnny looked at the ancient map and al the possibilities came to him at once!An unknown island, think of the tourism values, think of the secluded huts that could bring in the rich and famous!Perhaps Angelina Jolie would even adopt one of the natives bringing the country world fame!!!As Johnnys eyes grew wider Colorado took the sudden enthusiasm as a sign this boy WAS in fact his son if he could get this excited over the possibility of an adventure!!!And an adventure was only just beginning...
Alex Walls 23 October 2008 at 23:50
Three days later, they arrived at the island, having passed an unadventurous (ah ha) journey whittling wood, singing shantys and in Colorado's case, holding in depth conversations with inanimate objects. As they rowed the boat to shore, Johnny fidgeted with excitement-a whole new island! To himself! His hands played with the set of blueprints he'd brought, intending to map out the island as soon as he could so as to figure out just where to put the luxury resorts, gift shops and 'Cawuba Family Tours'. But as they neared the shore, his jaw dropped in amazement, for instead of a quiet untouched shore, there lay a bustling port, complete with all ready established crappy gift stores that stocked the ubiquitous 'Berst Mumme in the Sevene Sees!' mugs.
Alice Claire Hunt 24 October 2008 at 12:13
Colorado, having already researched the island, wasn't surprised in the least, and was looking forward to buying a mug to add to his "random island tourist mug" collection.As the moored the boat Johnny was trying not to show Bones his tears by becoming unnecessarily interested in sea shells he was bent over.
Alex Walls 27 October 2008 at 16:23
As he was bending, he saw something glittering in the water! Like some waterlogged cat he pounced upon it and brought it out of the water. Though it's surface was marred with various crustaceans, he could see it was a lamp of some form and began to rub at the limpets attached to it with vigour, displacing several poor shellfish who'd never done a day's harm in their lives but fortunately had absolutely no brains with which either to feel, pain, bad or to hire lawyers, so we shall move on from them and to the big billowy cloud of greasy purple smoke pouring out of the lamp onto the beach, behind the happily engaged Bones, who was currently engrossed in haggling for a 'Everyone Makes Mistakes, Son!' novelty mug.
Alice Claire Hunt 27 October 2008 at 16:33
the smoke wrapped itself around Johnny causing him to fall into the damp sand, then manifested itself into a giant elephant seal."youuuuuuuuu boy" growled the E. S. with it's wrinkled trunk blubbering about, "get up out of that sand".Johnny was helped up by Bones who had won his mug and was now concerned with the well being of his Armani shorts which he had lent Johnny and were now covered in sand and crustaceans.
Alex Walls 29 October 2008 at 16:26
Absently he took a hold of the E.S.'s trunk and began to wipe the shorts carefully, patting at the crustaceans with infinite care, murmuring to the shorts comfortingly as he went. The E.S. snorted in anger and then began to cough and splutter, having mainlined three limpets and an anenome which had, ironically, turned out to be his enemy. Johnny, meanwhile, was staring in calculation at the large gold manacle attached to the E.S. stumpy tail, the golden chain of which disappeared into the lamp. "Ah HA!" he said.
Alice Claire Hunt 30 October 2008 at 09:23
So it turns out that the Elephant Seal was in fact a Genie! A eleenie? Or Geniphant? What ever you want to call him, he owed our heroes (or lack there of) 3 wishes!Tugging on the chain, Johnny confronted the Eleenie Geal (I'm at a loss really what to call him now) "So you're a genie huh?""Why Yuessssssblubesssblubs I ammmblublub" Replied Gerald (Lets use christian elenames!) "But I'm no ordinary genie..."
Alex Walls 30 October 2008 at 10:26
"I amblusssssblub in factsssss blub an ELEPHANT SEAL GENIE!" cried, or rather, spluttered Gerald in wild triumph beaming round at both our, dare I say it, 'heroes' who in return said "EwwwW" and "Oh gross" and made gagging noises. "I WISH you could speak properly" said Bones and POOF! Gerald's huge disgusting wrinkly nose disappeared to be replaced with a little teapot spout. Everyone then looked at everyone else and Johnny coughed uncomfortably. Gerald, meanwhile, prodded his new nose carefully with a flipper and then, ever so gently, leant forward until hot, brown liquid poured forth onto the sand. "I HOPE that's tea" said Johnny into the silence which was now so uncomfortable it was comparable to making a public speech and having your pants begin to itch half way through.
Alice Claire Hunt 02 November 2008 at 21:04
The locals of the island had been carefully watching this strange but oddly familiar transaction. As it turns out elephant seal genie lamps were all the craze back in the 90's so a few of the teenage natives could lookly fondly back on memories of their own wishes, only to see that pair of bright yellow oversize sunglasses and packet of yu-gi-oh cards and wishing they had been wiser.Johnny, unaware that he and Bones had become the new entertainment on the island, was carefully thinking how this seal could help him in his quest to take over Bones's fortunes....and how best to throw out the tea without anyone seeing...
Alex Walls 03 November 2008 at 10:42
"Come on come on" said Gerald, impatient at all this plotting and due to the rather narrow spout which now operated as his nose-type orifice, his voice now had a distinctly nasal squeak to it, which endeared him to no one, least of all the watching locals who'd had enough of that kind of thing from the pre-adolescent dweebs who'd made ridiculously wasteful wishes in just such warbling, mickey mouse tones (as everyone knew that yu-gi-oh was no MATCH for po-ke-mon back in its glory day, word up say whaaaat?) back in the 90s. At any rate the locals withdrew in disgust to watch out of ear shot through high power binoculars and Johnny cleared his throat several times with a noise like a pig stuck in a drain pipe in preparation for the beginning of his scam to get all of Bones' money which he'd cleverly called the 'scam Bones of all his money' scam. A professor, he ain't.
Alice Claire Hunt 03 November 2008 at 12:13
no he isnt, but a schemer and dreamer was our Johnny.Gerald pulled out his genie contract and showed it to johnny just so they all knew what was happening."so you see here, under clause 7 paragraph 2, you are entitled to 3 wishes for performing the action of rubbing my lamp" said Gerald pointing with his flipper.Bones was busy grinning with the delight of the sexual connotations involved in the process...mind out of the gutter Bones...out of the gutter
Alex Walls 04 November 2008 at 18:43
And out of the gutter to you too, secondary and rather MYSTEERIOUS author! "Three wishes!" said Johnny estatically! I wish I had three million gold coins!" he said, his plan not being all that great in the end (see comment about professorships above). With a rumble and a rattle, Gerald sneezed, spraying Bones with boiling hot liquid, who screamed, jumped up and down and then dove beneath the waves. Gerald, meanwhile, wiped his spout with a fin and handed Johnny a piece of paper that said "Entitles bearer to THREE MILLION (genie) COINS!" "Genie coins? What're genie coins?" asked Johnny suspiciously as Bones emerged from the surf, blotched all over, in the arms of a mermaid.
Alice Claire Hunt 05 November 2008 at 18:51
"Genie coins, " replied Gerald "are the currency used in lampland. but one must perform 3 task to get to lampland..."While the Genie was trying to st up some kind of suspense filled side adventure for our heros, Johnny thought to himself "I wish these were REAL coins and that this guy would shut up and go back to his lamp.." Little did he know THINKING wishes was the same as saying them, so BOOM 3 million real dollars and BOOM genie gone back to his lamp to await the next rub happy tourist.
Alex Walls 06 November 2008 at 15:22
Meanwhile Bones was chatting quite happily to the mermaid, an elderly lady with a purple knitted hat on her grey curls and a woolly vest instead of the fabled shell brasiere which has largely been discarded under the sea due to chafing. "Well deary I think the liquid you're looking for might be around by mable's place. She's a great cook you know and her son Jim is a lawyer don't you know, working for a firm down in Marine Parade he owns a dog who..." she continued, her eyes beginning to glow a strange and disconcerting red as her voice lulled Bones into an interminable and fatal sleep for she was not a mermaid but a SIREN!
Alice Claire Hunt 08 November 2008 at 17:16
Crickey, that sure was unexpected!Who would have thought our hero would meet such an untimely death? Not me THATS FOR SURE.Johnny, too couldnt quite believe what had happened, but had the sense to close his eyes while he stabbed the siren in disguise with his samurai sword he'd picked up on his trip to china town.(or japan town? shizz, i dunno)Feeling rather alone, Johnny looked up from the shore to the island, realising that finding this magical potion was the only way to avenge Bones's death!
Alex Walls 12 November 2008 at 16:32
So he decided to take a trip back to japantown..yeah...and pick up some supplies. Accordingly he hailed the nearest horse and cart taxi and settled himself in for a bumpy journey. As the grass huts and cheapo tourist stands turned into pagodas and cheapo tourist stands further in toward the centre of the island, he began a long haggle with the driver about the charge of the fair. "One Bajillion dollars" was a price Johnny was not too happy to accept but the driver didn't seem to want to accept "A punch to the face" either and so the journey wore on, the price increasing from "A kick in the butt" to "One monkey and a china dog named Anna".
Alice Claire Hunt 12 November 2008 at 17:21
Finally the shinny lights of Japantown came into view and the bumpy journey came to an end. Johnny hopped off the cart to haggle further with the driver only to find he was a tiny slimy piece of salmon!!!Johnny rolled his eyes ands said "you dont even have pockets!" and walked off towards "Sushi For You"
Alex Walls 12 November 2008 at 17:29
The enraged screams of the tiny piece of salmon creature followed him into the busy 'Sushi For You' which ironically, or perhaps just crappily, served only steak. "I'm looking for some supplies bub." said Johnny to the cook who was a salmony colour himself and also strangely reeked of fish. This wouldn't have been strange in any sushi place that actually served sushi but as it was, Johnny became a little suspicious. "I've got a supplies for you!" said the chef racistly and turning around, revealed himself to be a huge chunk of slimy salmon with weird salmony eyestalks quivering in Johnny's direction!
Alice Claire Hunt 12 November 2008 at 20:22
What a carnivore!Thats what Johnny was thinking! What kind of a salmon works in a steak store? NOT A FRIENDLY ONE!!!The salmon swung left, Johnny dodged right, Hiro time traveld from Heroes (yes. i see no problem bringing in jolly characters from tv shows) and got Johnny just before the Salmon chef got him with a clever. Hiro teleported them to a small bar, just down the road from "Sushi For You"."Woah, are you ACTUALLY Hiro from Heroes???" Johnny asked as they regained their balance after a wobbly landing."Johnny, listen, you are in grave danger, the forces which took Bones will not rest until you are off this island." Hiro urgently whispered while glancing around the bar.Johnny, still amazed at the fact it was Hiro, wasnt really listening. "So you're REAL? Thats so cool, woah... weren't you annoyed when arthur petrelli was alive?? i mean what a twist!"Hiro rolled his eyes, hit Johnny over the head with a spade and left a post-it on him saying 'please dont kill me'.
Alex Walls 14 November 2008 at 20:13
This was Hiro's (SIGH) one mistake, equivalent to putting a 'kick me' sign on someone. It's just asking for action to be taken. Nonetheless the unconscious Johnny remained remarkable unscathed as Hiro wrote on consecutive post-it notes the identity (and species) of the piece of salmon. This being more than two words long, it took quite a bit of post its and by the end the comatose Johnny resembled some form of fluorescent shambling monster. Hiro, wrist cramping up from OOS, took himself off to see an occupational specialist and sue Heroes for the development of what he now termed 'samurai wrist' which no one wanted to ask (or know) about. Johnny, meanwhile, covered in post-its, happily caught up on his sleep as salmony creatures patrolled the streets, unaware that he was anything more than a fluorescent, gummy bum covered in paper.
Alice Claire Hunt 19 November 2008 at 23:02
Meanwhile, a old witch doctor was taking her yearly stroll along the coast line, and stumbled across Bones's old glass eye! (Yes, I've decided he had one) She tucked it deep inside her pocket, knowing that she could very well res erect this glass eye's body if she felt so inclined, and perhaps would be inclined later in the day.Unbeknownst to them all, the glass eye wouldnt just bring back Bones but...
Alex Walls 21 November 2008 at 18:53
Would also summon hordes of flying monkeys named and personality-matched to millions upon MILLIONS of celebrities, most of them MYSTERIOUSLY tween idols! So she knew it was something to be used only in DIRE need (and we're talking dire here). Meanwhile meanwhile, Johnny regained consciousness slowly in the salmon-patrolled street and gasped as he saw the mounds of squishy orange moving past. What could he do to get away? And what exactly was going on??
Alice Claire Hunt 21 November 2008 at 20:25
He decided his best bet was to roll, as his mother had always told him if in doubt - roll.He rolled and rolled until he found himself rolling right into the forbidden forest! Who would have thought that Hogwarts was actually on this island?!?!?! But indeed it was. Feeling safe that no one had noticed him Johnny slowly got up and started to peel the many many post-its ff his bruised body."Well, well, well...what do we have here?" came a voice from the shadows.
Alex Walls 23 November 2008 at 15:36
Johnny gasped. "Father?!" he said and put on a face of pained hope but the voice from the shadows just chuckled. "I really doubt it kid" it said and stepped into the light to reveal a small green creature with huge bloodshot eyes (and accompanying bags), liver spotted green skin, huge pointed ears that in fact pointed at the ground and a cigarette in its stained mouth. It's whole body seemed to slump in apathy and it dragged its feet toward Johnny. "That's really only gonna work once and ONLY on a drop kick like Colorado Bones. But maybe you and I can help each other out. The name's Dobby, Lobby Dobby, and I'm a private eye."
Alice Claire Hunt 23 November 2008 at 17:58
Johnny stepped backwards in fright and tripped onto a pile of crunchy leaves. "come now boy, stop being clumsy - these are testing times, we cant have you alerting the whole forest of our whereabouts by crispy crunchy all over the show!" Dobby pulled on Jonhhy's trouser leg and helped him back onto his feet."So, how exactly can I help YOU?" Johnny questioned the hideous creature, "I mean, if you're a private eye you should be helping me, right?""ahh a curious kid huh?" pondered Dobby while taking drag on his cigarette, " well follow me and ill explain everything."
Alex Walls 28 November 2008 at 11:26
Our two heroes set off through the forest, Dobby puffing away on his cigarette and keeping up a running commentary that was funny for about five minutes, after which Johnny asked him sharply to shut up if he valued his life. "Life!" said Dobby "Don't talk to me about life kid. Life's like a dame with a thing for diamonds-she'll shake you up good til she gets the shine outta ya." Johnny frowned and said "That technically makes NO sense, you realise that right?" But by this time Dobby had arrived muttering at the local bar, called 'The Transparent Fig Leaf'
Alice Claire Hunt 28 November 2008 at 17:17
with a sharp rap on the door Dobby let out a "rarrrrooooorrr who whoot" causing Johnny to jump back into the arms of a hooded stranger."you shouldn't have come round the front" rasped the clocked being, "I would have thought you'd have learnt from last time Dobby" and with a twirl of their clock they disappeared into the nothingness just as the door of the Transparent Leaf opened."rorrrroearrr ohwwoh www" exclaimed the doorman "we've been expecting you young Jhnny come in". Dobby turned to Johnny and with a whisper explained "now you will know everything harry..."
Alex Walls 01 December 2008 at 17:40
"Um it's Johnny" said Johnny tremulously, more than a little freaked out by the goings on. Both the doorman and Dobby were looking at him in expectation and after a while a light went on in Johnny's brain, albeit a whale-fat lantern from 1798 and he said "Oh ah Reeee....roooooorooooorrrrr...?" The doorman began to frown and Dobby began making frantic hand gestures. "WHAT did you call myt mother?" said the doorman taking out a rather battered baseball bat with 'Ol' Trusty' written along its length.
Alice Claire Hunt 12 December 2008 at 16:11
hurriedly Dobby shoved Johnny through the door and they blended into the crowd to avoid "ol' trusty" seeing where the sun don't shine.Johnny was pleased to see there were no Salmon like creatures in this dwelling, yet there were a strange group of men about as tall as Dobby huddled around some beer saying something about a ring. Perhaps they were miniture boxers thought Johnny.
Alex Walls 17 December 2008 at 20:57
"I want half a pint!" said one of the hairy men and Dobby sniggered. "You are a half pint" he said and the tiny man spun around in anger and then tripped over his sword. Dobby sighed, flicked his cigarette ash over the prone guy and then placed his pint on his equally vertically challenged friend. "You boys lookin for a ring, or looking for some BLING?" said Dobby craftily and a few hard gangsters groaned and died in the corner. "Is not a ring bling?" asked one of them and looked soulfully into the distance until Dobby used his head as a footstool for his impertinence. "I'm not talking about some nancy piece of fairy boy jewellery!" he scorned scornfully "I'm talking about THE ELIXIR OF LIFE"
Alice Claire Hunt 23 December 2008 at 08:46
Silence spread like butter threw the pub, even the old man playing pool had missed the 8 ball and consequently lost the game he'd been playing with himself for over 5 years."Oh ALWAYS the joker aren't you my friend" said a tall hooded figure, walking up to Dobby and successfully hiding the exasperation in his voice. He tugged at Dobby, leading him into a private parlour booth and hissed n his ear "what are you doing fool? trying to get yourself killed?
Alex Walls 02 January 2009 at 18:08
Dobby didn't answer, being fully preoccupied with rolling another ragged cigarette. The tall hooded figure sighed and removed his hood, revealing a face of unparalleled ugliness. "Oh my god!" said Johnny, who'd followed them over "Please! Put it back on man!" The man glared at him and then burst into sobs. With his hands covering his face he rushed away, unfortunately into the group of short men whom Dobby had tried to use as a drinks table. As he sprawled over them and thrashed about trying to get up, the grumbling men drew back, brushed themselves off and then stood around in uncomfortable silence as they watched the tall man flail about on the floor, looking for all the world like an epileptic, or perhaps just a retard.
Alice Claire Hunt 02 January 2009 at 18:28
At this moment "We Got The Party With Us" by Hannah Montana came over the sound system and the pub broke into a formation dance, allowing Dobby to grab Johnny and the hooded man and make for the back entrance.Still recovering from his dance with the floor, the hooded man swayed slightly in his new surroundings before quickly remembering what had distressed him just minutes before."The elixir of life" he rasped, shaking Dobby, "Tell me what you know of it!"Johnny, slowly realizing that another quest was being conceived, tried to remember the first reason he was on the island and became thoroughly confused.
Alex Walls 02 January 2009 at 20:46
This of course could have something to do with the unmentionable song now playing. Johnny looked around idly as he tried to work out his presence here on the island and came to a stunning realisation - the dancers in the pub looked less formation and more zombie! The song was controlling them and turning them into mindless automatons! As the zombie alchys began to shuffle towards the three no-hopers, Dobby took a look around, whistled sharply, broke into a fit of asthmatic coughing and rubbed a shiny gold ring on his finger. "Elixir of life cave entrance!" he wheezed and with one last hack of phlegm, our three heroes vanished.
Alice Claire Hunt 02 January 2009 at 21:01
THUD!!!(In my mind there is a thud when they re-appear. im just adding these notes for the motion film adaptation of our story)Our heroes (really, heroes??? doesn't that imply they've done something heroic??) landed in a mossy puddle near a clearing filled with reindeer. Dobby got up and brushed himself off. He then turned to his unfortunate travel buddies, preparing to explain the situation when he noticed Johnny had already gotten up and was running towards the reindeer "gleeing" at the top of his lungs.
Alex Walls 02 January 2009 at 21:15
(Ah good call. Can we have Johnny DEPP play johnny? see what i did there?)Gleeing is a sort of fish-like movement of the waist with the arms held stiffly at one's side and the hands straight out. Gleeing is now an Olympic sport and Johnny was one of the champions but since this is a made up story this was of no importance. At any rate, the reindeer watched with vague unease as Johnny flopped towards them. His plan was to catch a reindeer and use it to ride on or possibly to eat and then skin and use as a tent to shelter from the rein (haha) or even a fashionable but hideous coat.
Alice Claire Hunt 05 January 2009 at 20:59
The reindeer happened to be psychic so were off running into the woods well before Johnny had time to think of what lining he would use for his coat.With a click of his grubby little fingers, Dobby summoned Johnny back and began his long awaited monologue."I think it's time you all knew what exactly you have gotten yourselves into" explained Dobby."It began in Africa...."Dobby stopped dead, looking murderous, as Johnny (who had thought of the song) become consumed in a fit of giggles, which Hooded Man mistook for choking and performed the Heimlich maneuver ultimately causing Johnny to actually choke. Dobby, shaking with rage and disgust, started to walk off, leaving Johnny spluttering on the ground in the recovery position with Hood Man profusely apologizing from above.
Alex Walls 14 January 2009 at 09:23
Dobby's anger soon burned off however, as his nicotine addiction began to raise its ugly head, making his temples throb and his hands shake. With a little thrill of horror, Dobby realised he was all out of Lungrot Larry's Tobaccy, his favourite brand of cancer stick. He looked about him wildly for some Nature's Antibiotic to the Disease That Is Humanity and saw some ways off, a leafy, tobacco-looking plant waving gently in the wind. Meanwhile, Johnny had shaken off the incoherent Hood Man, who felt so bad about almost killing someone that he decided to shave off all his hair and become a monk, not having had much luck with the ladies anyway. Johnny watched him scrape the last of his hair from his now gleaming (and fairly raw head) with a blunt stone and examine his pate in a handy pond. Not thinking much of the beautician set up ol' nature had going here, he decided to find Dobby and ask him if he'd actually ever solved a case.
Alice Claire Hunt 27 January 2009 at 16:54
(omg im soo so sorry i went away for a holiday and forgot but now i remembered and will continue the story!!!)To this question Dobby was insulted, but upon reflection realized that he never had actually completed ANYTHING in his life, just stared many things and become distracted."You know what Johnny?" said Dobby, "Love's alot like a roll of sellotape""Sometimes its hard to find the end?" Replied Johnny, swaying to the beat in his head.Before our dear companions could continue a car went flying past out of the bushes with number plate "Y U H8N" and crashed into a nearby turnip patch.
Alex Walls 28 January 2009 at 08:47
(All g, can we hang out soon? I miss Alice :()"My turnips!" yelled Farmer Maggott and Johnny, Lone Ranger/Monk and Dobby all took to their heels followed by a rather groggy Flava Flav. "Awww shit son" he panted as he weeved to and fro in front of the irate hobbit farmer, currently waving four dead corncobs in the sky by their ears (oh ho!). The heroes were beginning to get into serious trouble with the Lung Police when suddenly Johnny had a bright idea. This being an entirely new experience, Johnny stopped suddenly, causing the howling Farmer Maggot to trip over his inert form and sail gracefully into the air, straight into a herd of reindeer. The reindeer, being sick to the antlers of crazy weirdos, proceeded to pound him into the dirt with their dainty hooves and our heroes backed off very slowly from Satan's Little Helpers. When they were a safe distance away, Johnny whispered his bright idea to the others. "Flava Flav! Can we use your car to get to the Vial Of Everlasting Life (Formerly Known As Billy The Bunny)?"
Alice Claire Hunt 02 February 2009 at 20:42
"Yeah yeezy fo sheezy, gots me ride down wit da tunes out" replied Flava Flav as he crossed his arms over his chest and pouted his lips."I thik that means yes" whispered Dobby into Johnny's ear. and with that they climbed in the 2 door Volvo which Flav had stolen from Edward Cullen. (The wampire, yes i WILL bring him into the story if it kills me).Throwing the volvo into first Flav speed off into the remanding turnips and out onto the main road which was surprising close and clearly sign posted.
Alex Walls 09 February 2009 at 17:07
"THIS WAY TO 'THE DRUNKEN TOURIST'" said the sign and Dobby pointed and shouted hoarsely to Flav over the thunderous base, who flashed him a yellow-grilled smile and shouted something like "Say whaaaat!" but headed off in the right direction so Dobby breathed a sigh of relief and turned to find Johnny and the Bald Ranger having a slap fight over which seat belt to use. Dobby sighed and turned away thinking wistfully of using the aforementioned seatbelt as a handy hang rope with which to end his increasingly embarrassing existence.
Alice Claire Hunt 11 February 2009 at 16:14
Looking out the window Dobby saw a unicorn drinking from a stream. Flav drove on down the road nodding his head so forcefully to the beat in his brain that he nodded it right off! By this point in time Dobby was so over everything and anything to do with adventures that he simply pushed open the drivers door, rolled Flav out and continued the drive to the Drunken Tourist.Jonny and B.R. had decided it best to sit on each other and use one seat belt so Dobby was forced to stare at their foolish grinning faces in his review mirror.
Alex Walls 11 February 2009 at 16:36
But he bore up under their inanity. That is, right up until they started singing 'On the Road again' at which point he snapped and turned around to scream at them. They didn't really understand what he was saying as he tended to gobble and slur his words in his rage but quailed beneath the combined might of his awe-inspiring fury and sudden storm of spittle. "You'd better shut your traps until we get there or I'll introduce you to Mr Cooltastic" said Dobby ominously and so fearful did this entity sound that both Johnny and B.R. remained silent the entire way to the Drunken Tourist, Johnny contemplating the distinctly negative difference in story book character's temperaments when placed in real life. What had happened, he wondered, to the good ol' tea towel wearing, abuse loving Dobby of yore and his happy lack of any self-esteem?
Alice Claire Hunt 11 February 2009 at 16:41
That Dobby had fallen victim to a crazed crack habbit and a love of the "ladies". but gooing into dobby's past is far to R rated for this fine story so to the Drunken Tourist we go!They pulled up into a park outside. Dobby glanced into the back seat where Johnny and B.R. were playing hand claps games, and he then slid out the front door unbeknown to his happy dappy companions. Dobby had been here only a few times in his brief stint on the island, but each of those times had been memorable.
Alex Walls 13 February 2009 at 12:45
The last time was memorable unfortunately for being completely UNmemorable, for Dobby had received a concussion from a high velocity exit at at 180 degree angle to the ground, ie he'd be thrown with considerable force by the billy goat bouncer of the Drunken Tourist. Well, for thrown read kicked-in-the-head, a very similar verb, and as such Dobby had retrograde amnesia and couldn't remember anything for a 24 hour period before the concussion. He could feel the old headache start up again as he eyed up the billy goat bouncer nervously, noticing the sharpened horns, bulging foreleg muscles and the tattoo saying "Nan" on his left hoof. This, he decided, was a job for the Tard Twins and so deciding, turned to the car and induced Johnny and the B.R. from their game of 'I spy'. Since it was night they'd both got as far as "I spy with my little eye something beginning with"- 'D' for dark, 'N' for night and 'B' for black.
Alice Claire Hunt 07 March 2009 at 18:35
Just as Johnny was about to solve the puzzle of "it starts with D" again (these boys aren't the sharpest knives in the draw and had started reusing the same words for I spy) Dobby opened up the back door and hared his plan with the boys."We need to get inside without Mr Billy Ice T over there seeing us so this is the plan"Johnny, having slowly learned that whenever anyone said the word we" and "plan" in the same sentence it meant trouble, slowly edged towards the other passenger door.
Alex Walls 29 March 2009 at 00:24
So Dobby turned to B.R. "It's all up to you my friend!" he began in a grandiose manner only to realise that he was speaking to thing air, B.R. having a rodent's instinct when it came to personal danger. Dobby deflated rapidly and with a deep sigh and a muttered imprecation at the sky he slouched over the the billy goat bouncer, who took one look at him and said "Dobster! Anymore idiots I can bounce my knuckles off've?"
Alex Walls 17 December 2009 at 14:31
ALICE! Remember this?? It's hilarious! Do you wanna keep going, or shall we let it die an honourable death?
Alice Claire Hunt 17 December 2009 at 16:10
I'd completely forgotten about it!!!I gotta re read it then ill write the next part :)
Alice Claire Hunt 22 December 2009 at 18:35
Dobby glanced down at the bouncers feet and replied "Seriously Billy? I've had a rough day just let me in." and head hung he wondered in wondering how his life had come to this."Yo Dobby!" a cry came from across the room. Dobby looked up to see the grinning Johnny. "But, how??!?" began Dobby"Came in the servants entrance!" exclaimed Johnny. "So, what is this plan? I hear we have to get the Exliar back to Princess Alice before dawn on the 5th day of june!"
Alex Walls 22 December 2009 at 18:39
Dobby rubbed his temples tiredly, wondering vaguely how the Prince of Lame had ACTUALLY gotten in (the sewers) and what on earth he was now talking about. Deciding to skip the inevitable "What do you mean?" "What do YOU mean?" conversation, Dobby jumped right ahead to the throttling Johnny until he explained just who Princess Alice was, why she needed the Elixir before that day and why exactly there was a napkin with 'Call me xoxox Frank" written in lipstick on it pinned to his coat.
Alice Claire Hunt 22 December 2009 at 18:43
"I..I...I saw it on her twitter!" gasped Johnny.Dobby released him from the choak hold to reflex. "Twitter huh...hmmm interesting"Johnny, now free to flash his eyelashes at frank from across the room, become a far more enjoable character and let Dobby in on everything."Wee;, at first I wasn't sure if I could trust you so put on the dumb blonde act. But now Dobby Lobby, I see you are indeed a true detective and able to help me on this quest"
Alex Walls 22 December 2009 at 19:05
[Your spelling. Is atrocious, Alice. Lucky you're funny]This all sounded a little 'deus ex machina' to Dobby, who as a point of interest actually thought the phrase meant a small slicing mechanism of Escher design. Luckily he also thought that Johnny's story sounded highly suspicious, so he decided that he too would play the 'dumb blonde act' and go along with Johnny's 'quest' which he suspected was nothing more than an elaborate plan to break into the ice cream store and scream for ice cream, Johnny's humour so far being unremarkable. "Wah, Johnny, ah thought you'd never ahsk." said Dobby disturbingly, fluttering HIS eyelashes in turn, winking at Johnny (and coincidentally, Frank, who sat up with renewed interest) and slipping into a polka dot pinafore and sparkly heels. "Do tell me AIRvraythan" he murmured, rearranging a blonde wig and doing a complicated two step shuffle in Frank's direction.
Alice Claire Hunt 22 December 2009 at 19:35
After a quick look on wikipedia, Johnny professed his innocence to Dobby that he WAS in fact who he was now saying he was. (that being an intelligent, handsome, sweet, kind, loving vampire) Dobby, caught in a tango with Frank, could do nothing with this news other than concentrate on the blood pouring out of his mouth as a result of Franks rough Rose-in-Mouth-Dance treatment.Johnny, deciding Dobby was slowing him down anyway, flew off into the night to pursue the true purpose of his life, to obtain the love of Princess Alice.
Alex Walls 22 December 2009 at 19:51
As Dobby faded out of Johnny's life and loomed large in the world's all-time worrying nights category, Johnny couldn't help reminiscing about all the good times they'd had: the tango de la muerta battle for Frank's love, the dramatic cape flourishing, the time they'd both danced upon B.R.'s head in joyous celebration of their mutual love of the dance...Johnny shook his head of such memories (which were derived solely from an '80s movie anyway) and gunned his broomstick toward Hogwarts to meet Princess Alice and to enquire about the whereabouts of the Elixir of Death, clutching the pamphlet the stricken Dobby had tucked into his hand as a parting gift before his life (and sexual preferences) changed forever with Frank, that detailed the removal of the Elixir from its Cave Fortress on Cawuba Island to the Hogwarts' 'Room of Requirement'.
Alice Claire Hunt 23 December 2009 at 22:40
The night was moonless, and dark like coffee, but Johnny had the wind in his hair and an ipod to keep him focused. Turning up the volume on his "Quest" playlist he ventured towards hogwarts triumphantly knowing that in mere minutes he would be gazing into her eyes once again.But wait! Whats this? Could it be! Johnny's broom is not a broom at all but little Mike Snow, the Jamaican boy from down the road and his out of control afro!
Alex Walls 27 December 2009 at 13:25
"Mike, you fiend! You never told me you were an obeah practitioner!" said Johnny in surprise, falling off Mike and maintaining air speed and altitude only by gripping Mike's little toe. Wincing in pain the obeah boy (this is a practitioner of voodoo magic for those ignorant, sad souls out there. How I laugh at your uselessness! How I...well, I THINK it's voodoo magic, anyway) lifted Johnny back onto his back, clicked his spine in pain (Johnny had gained a few pounds) and said "The Princess is yours, the Elixir is MINE!" It should be mentioned that also travelling with Mike was his chicken companion, Clucksy, who was currently nesting in Mike's radical 'fro.
Alice Claire Hunt 28 December 2009 at 12:00
Knowing his life was in Mikes hands Johnny thought better of informing his human broomstick that the elixir was in fact what Johnny needed to gain the princess's love. She was a very classy princess and had the best of everything, except she was suffering from ostacoli del cuore (i can be fancy too, look THAT up in your italian dictionary why don't you) and only the elixir could heal that.Flying through the air mike, johnny and Clucksy passed over forests and lakes until in the distance the castle began to take shape.
Alex Walls 29 December 2009 at 14:18
It is indeed unfortunate that Johnny's thinking processes had yet to catch up with his mouth. "Hey Mike I actually need the elixir..." etc etc and with a shout of rage, Mike plummeted toward the ground in kamikaze effort to take out his annoying passenger. Luckily Clucksy's impassioned squawks pierced the fog of anger clouding his mind and he pulled out of his death dive to land with a rattle and a roll in the Forbidden Forest.
Alice Claire Hunt 29 December 2009 at 22:30
But was it the forbidden forest? Dashing through the leaves, Johnny bid his escape. Dodging the various roots and lashing vines he made his way into a clearing. In the distance he could hear Mike and Clucksy fighting over leadership as Clucksy was SURE tree only grew upwards while Mike was sure they pointed north.Johnny had to think fast, as he didn't know how dangerous these two were, so he knew which direction he took from here could determine the rest of the story!
Alex Walls 03 January at 18:21
>:(And with this ominous thought, thunder cracked in the sky and a bolt of searing lightening flung itself from the clouds and made its comfy and really moderately priced home upon Johnny's head. Screaming in pain as he clutched his perforated forehead, Johnny's normal voice suddenly gave up for good, handed in notice to the vocal chords and took a hike. His brain hurriedly held a conference, ordered chinese and hired an English accent not affiliated with the Vocal Union to take its place and as hundreds of Hogwarts' students surrounded Johnny to see whether Dumbledore was up to his old tricks with troll pimping again, Johnny turned and said in a very plummy British accent and with a freshly smoking lightning bolt scar on his head, "Hello, old chaps!"
Alice Claire Hunt 05 January at 09:41
and then dropped dead. which was amusing to watch as he was in fact already on the ground and had no way to emphasis the "drop" so he stood up, threw his hand to his forehead and dropped to the ground.Dead.Not debatable. Someone tried to rescue him but a small green haired fellow kicked him in the ribs. Fortunately for this story we still had Miike! A young fellow who was rather lost in his ways and had in fact fallen far from the corpse of Johnny and was lying in a pile of twigs wondering where he was.
Alex Walls 05 January at 10:31
(Awww you spoil sport, I totally thought I was doing you a favour with the whole Harry Potter thing).Mike was aware that he needed to find Princess Alice and also possibly the Elixir of Life but the fall into the twigs had slightly concussed him and had also liberally coated his face in scratches and ergo, blood. He began moaning in pain and shuffling toward Clucksy, who in her rather shell-shocked state, thought the zombie invasion had begun. Remembering her score on the 'How Long Would You Survive The Zombie Apocalypse' quiz was 'O. Days. And. FOUR. Seconds: You clucked, son', Clucksy sqwawked with horror and sped with all speed (...) towards a strange cave in the distance. Running full tilt into said cave, Clucksy was brought up short by the fairly discouraging fact that she had run head first into a rather Princessy human leg...
Alice Claire Hunt 05 January at 10:44
(I'm sorry. This is why I shouldn't write in the early morning. people die if i write in the early morning.)"Awww, hey there little chicky!" said Princess Ellie, bending down and picking up Clucksy, "What are YOU doing in this part of the forest? The chicken coop is on the other side of the castle!" and with that she set off to return this wandering chicken to it's family. Well in her mind she assumed all the chickens were related. You see, in school Ellie hadn't really paid attention to much of her surrondings, she was constantly distracted by her twin sister Alice's beauty and wit, her elegance and poise, and did we mention her beauty? So Ellie, bless her little cotton softs, was rather dim witted when it came to worldly knowledge.